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How to give a cat a pill

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crazy_bull 

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1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm, as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,pop in the pill. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor, and cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat the process.

3. Retrieve cat from the bedroom and throw away soggy pill.

4. Take new pill from foil wrapper. Cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws very tightly with left hand. Force open the jaws and push pill to back of mouth with forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl, and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between the knees. Hold front and rear paws, ignoring the low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand, while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, and get another pill from foil wrapper. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully Sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth, and set aside for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel, and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil, and blow down straw.

9. Check label to make sure pills are not harmful to humans. Drink one pint of beer to take away the taste of the pill. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing.Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down mouth with elastic band.

11. Bring screwdriver from garage and replace cupboard door on hinges
Drink beer and bring a bottle of scotch. Pour one large shot of scotch into a glass and drink. Apply cold compress to cheekand check medical records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw away torn t-shirt and get another one from the bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve f***ing cat from trees across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrapper.

13. Tie little b'stard's front paw's with garden twine and bind tightly to the leg of dining room table, bring heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth, followed by large chunk of fillet steak. Being as rough as possible.
Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down the cats throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to rush you to nearest hospital casualty department. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm, and removes pill particles from right eye. Call into furniture shop on way home to order a new dining room table.

15. Place "FREE MUTANT CAT FROM HELL" advert in local newspaper and ring local pet shop to see if they have any rabbits!!!!
 

crazy_bull 

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1. Wrap in bacon.

2. Give to dog

3. Pat and scratch them for being a good dog.
 

peteinwilts 

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How to give a course of pills to a bird, whilst on a honeymoon while they are being looked after by a vegetarian.

Freeze a 6mm sharp drill bit

Snap 40 bird pills in half.

Take 80 frozen day old chicks

Snap the heads off, place the bodies back in the freezer.

With an electric drill with the frozen drill bit, drill a hole on each day old chick head. Do not do any more than 10-15 at a time or the head will melt the insides and turn gooey.

Place half a pill deeply in each chick head and place back in the freezer.

Instruct the vegetarian that the bird needs one head in the morning, and one head in the evening before meals...

go on honeymoon.

and you though cat owners had it bad!! :ack2:
 

peteinwilts 

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If it was that easy, I would give pill to cat, then cat to bird! :p

... you want to keep an eye on them until they are old enough to know better. You saw what happened to the 'pet' rabbit!!

For some reason whenever any of our neighbours 'loses' a pet, they always come to me first to see if I have seen it!!
 

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