Just for some fun.... an excuse to smile.

[polomadh]

What the best dressed no sweltering will be wearing this year

 

[The Poot]

Why check the description to see if it fits your vehicle? Looks like he’s got a dummy in his mouth too

 

[Paulypaul]

 

[Paulypaul]

 

[jenkinsbrynmair]

 

[The Poot]

 

[TonyC]

View attachment 24747

Oh the irony

---

 

[JamezF]

View attachment 42040

The funny thing is... I've had real, proper flu twice in my life (as opposed to a bad cold). In both cases there were times when death didn't actually seem that bad an option

James

 

[Sutty]

The funny thing is... I've had real, proper flu twice in my life (as opposed to a bad cold). In both cases there were times when death didn't actually seem that bad an option

James

Flu, rather like covid, can be "proper flu" or just a sniffle. Studies followed people who were flu antibody negative at the start of the season, and asked them if they had had flu at the end of the season. 30% of those who said "no" could be shown to have been infected in the interim.

 

[jenkinsbrynmair]

The funny thing is... I've had real, proper flu twice in my life (as opposed to a bad cold). In both cases there were times when death didn't actually seem that bad an option

James

same here, maybe three times - twice when I was on board, the commander was so concerned he considered arranging a medivac, nowadays, especially with my underlying health conditions I have to be very careful and try and take as many prophylactic measures as practicable - it's why I empathise with people who you still occasionally see wearing masks in public and find crass comments about those in very poor, uneducated taste.

 

[rossbyjove]

I have just advertised these on a local S&M swingers website at £250 each.
Had 17 orders so far.

 

[rossbyjove]

View attachment 42038

I guess the head gasket was the ******** ?

 

[Newbeeneil]

A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight."
The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"

 

[jenkinsbrynmair]

 

[Newbeeneil]

Just been to the gym at work because they've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick.

It's great, though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.

 

[Goran]

Wife took the phone of husband and while searching trough address book saw under name title " Free Sex". In anger she pressed call of that number immediately and afterward her phone rang..
Heard it few days ago, not so bad..

 

[jenkinsbrynmair]

 

[Paulypaul]

 

[pargyle]

I'm sure that I heard some of these when Bob Monkhouse did an evening entertainment I attended years ago ... but they dropped into my inbox today: _____________________________________________________________________________________________________

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked me why, I replied,

"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

___________________________________

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered. I then said,

'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

____________________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

_____________________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My Goodness!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
____________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my dumb ass husband is out fishing in that?"

___________________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.
_____________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for universal credit.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'

____________________________

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

​

 

[jenkinsbrynmair]