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I'll start it off shall I (she said helpfully)

This is clean:)



Apparently these are real answers from Quiz programs.



BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston: Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester.



PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. . .
Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . . .
Contestant: Blimey?



BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
White: I'll give you some clues. What do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm.
White: Correct. And if you're not weak, you're . .?
Contestant: Strong.
White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis.
White: Well, there we are then. So, who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?



LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski: What's the capital of Italy?
Contestant: France.
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question. In which country is the
Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris.



BEACON RADIO, (Wolverhampton)
DJ Mark: For ?10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?



GWR FM, (Bristol)
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.



LINCOLNSHIRE FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona.
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry; I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.



NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Q: What is the world's largest continent?
A: The Pacific



RICHARD AND JUDY (C4))
Presenter: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. . .
Presenter: He makes bread. . .
Contestant: Err...
Presenter: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street?



BREAKFAST SHOW (RADIO 1)
Chris Moyles: Which 's' is a kind of whale that can grow up to 80 tonnes?
Contestant: Ummm. . .
Moyles: It begins with 's' and rhymes with 'perm'.
Contestant: Shark.



JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth. . . er . . . Three?



CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller: Japan.
Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er . . . Mexico?



PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.



DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland?
Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?
Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant: No.



STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus



NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Eamonn Holmes: There are three states of matter: solid, liquid and . . ?
Contestant: Jelly.



THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: In traffic, what 'j' is where two roads meet?
Contestant: Jool carriageway?



QUIZMANIA (ITV)
Greg Scott: We're looking for an occupation beginning with T.
Contestant: Doctor.
Scott: No, it's 'T'. 'T' for Tommy. 'T' for Tango.
Contestant: Oh, (pause) Doctor.



BIG QUIZ (LBC)
Gary King: Name the funny men who once entertained kings and queens at court.
Contestant: Lepers.



TALKSPORT
Andy Townsend: How many wheels does a tricycle have?
Caller: Two.
Townsend: The Beatles were known as the Fab...?
Caller: Five.



MAGIC 52 (NORTH-EAST ENGLAND)
Presenter: In what year was President Kennedy assassinated?
Contestant: Erm...
Presenter: Well, let's put it this way - he didn't see 1964.
Contestant: 1965?



FAMILY FORTUNES.
Presenter : Name a bird with a long neck?
Contestant : Naomi Campbell



Presenter : Name a dangerous race?
Contestant :The Arabs



Presenter : Name something that's red?
Contestant : My Nan's Cardigan
 

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Queen Bee
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I was driving home from work one evening about 15 years ago listening to a local bbc radio station holding a sports competition.

This old lady was asked who is the sports presenter who reports on formula one.

She thought long and hard then asked if she could have a clue.

The clue the DJ gave her was "You can suck it" the answer was Murry walker as in murry mint.


The ladies reply made me nearly crash the car,she said is it "Dickie davis".
 

Polyanwood 

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LOL... getting strange looks laughing so much...... apparently bees can't be that funny.:D
 

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Polyanwood;213 said:
LOL... getting strange looks laughing so much...... apparently bees can't be that funny.:D
Your post made me smile,I was doing the same and my daughter said "you ok dad".
 

Finman 

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.
There was a farm house in Finland.
They took a young farmhand for job. There was allready an elder dairy maid Emma in job. Inspite of his young age farmhand showed great interest in women.

Once the lady of the house came out to veranda and saw that farmhand and dairy maid make sex in standing position against cowhouse wall. She rushed to site and shout:" Emma you old bitch! Lay down on your back!!! Don't you see that the shild is turning tired!

.
 
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The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day?

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town and went into a shop.
We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Fascist ***t. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So my wife called him a dickhead. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
 

Widdershins 

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Admin;207 said:
I was driving home from work one evening about 15 years ago listening to a local bbc radio station holding a sports competition.

This old lady was asked who is the sports presenter who reports on formula one.

She thought long and hard then asked if she could have a clue.

The clue the DJ gave her was "You can suck it" the answer was Murry walker as in murry mint.


The ladies reply made me nearly crash the car,she said is it "Dickie davis".
Ha ha ha!!!!!
My dog keeps looking at me, with his head on one side, as if say 'You're totally mad!'

That was hilarious!!
 

Hivemaker. 

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The fire brigade were trying to rescue an Irishman from the tenth floor of a burning building, Fireman shouts "jump and we'll catch you in this blanket. Irishman replies "F*** off i don't trust you,lay it on the floor.
 

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Frisbee;221 said:
The question is:
What Do Retired People Do All Day?
A work collegue of mine used to hate our boss so much he used to say that the conversation at the bosses breakfast table to his wife used to be:

"So who can we piss off today then"?
"Tell you what I will do everyone at work while you go do shoppers at the suppermarket".
 

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A woman goes into a cake shop, and says, "I'd like to buy a wasp please." shopkeeper says, "We don't sell wasps!?


"Well you have one in the window?"
 
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This just arrived by text:-

She said "Make love to me like in the movies"

So I did her arse and came on her face.

I could tell by the look on her face that we obviously watch different movies
 

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