Diary of an englishman in western australia

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Frisbee 

Drone Bee
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DIARY OF AN ENGLISHMAN IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31
Just got transferred with work from grey old London to our new home in
Newman, Western Australia. Now this is a town that knows how to live!
Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset
from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I've finally
found my new home. I love it here.

September 13
Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem though. Living in
air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see
the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a sun-worshipper.


September 30th
Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and
rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it
here.

October 10th
The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do people get
used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though. Keeps the
flies off a bit. Acclimatising is taking longer than I expected.

October 15th
Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree burns over 60% of my
body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing to do! Got to
respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th
Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for
work this morning. By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty
had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the
upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit. I've learned my
lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25
This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow dryer. And it's hot as hell! The homeair conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fuckin' Perth.

October 30th
The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived
for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the pool for three
nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside. Why
the hell did I ever come here?

November 4
Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the
temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel
about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8
If one more smart arse says "Hot enough for you today?", I'm going to
fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9
Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black
leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin' arse was on fire.
I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and my fuckin'
arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat!

November 10
Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording.. Hot and sunny.
Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot to do anything for twofuckin' months and the weatherman says it might really warm up nextweek.

November 15
Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place. Water restrictions
will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into
the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this hell-hole are the
fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the fuckers!

November 20th
Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today. Now the air
conditioner's gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid fucker. Fuckin' Newman! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot would want to live here!


December 1
WHAT!!!! The first day of Summer!!!! You are fuckin' kidding!
 

Heather 

Queen Bee
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:rofl:

Oh to be in England now that Spring is here.

We may have our problems and I would limit family allowance to the first 2 children - ( but enough of my soapbox) - but the seasons are lovely. We aint that bad!
He even picked up the Oz colourful speech :ack2:
 

Chris B 

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Heather;32821 said:
:rofl:

We may have our problems and I would limit family allowance to the first 2 children
Family allowance? It's child benefit these days dear girl. Forget the number of kids, make it means tested or just absorb it into the tax system or anything to simplify things. But don't discourage people from having kids - we need them to pay our pensions!
 

Nopants 

House Bee
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thurrock bees;32833 said:
great joke, took two attemps to read laughing too much,
My brother inlaw is out there at the moment working, He will be back for christmas.lol
 

Hombre 

Queen Bee
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Good job he didn't describe himself as a *anker for going, or Admin would have been all over it with his blue pen like a rash! ha ha :)
 

hedgerow pete 

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i lived out in the middle east for several years and africa, when i was working out in the derests in saudi we used to get up to 45 easy and at night you can get frost bite on your toes. it rained once we all came running out because the locals were screaming and it must of lasted 2 miniutes and i left 3 drops of rain and these guys wer dancing in it me and the lads i was working with looked at eash other and just laughed so hard it was sooooo funny
 

Hombre 

Queen Bee
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I remember it raining in Aden. With people swimming on the football pitch - it wasn't that deep but deep enough for a bit of breast stroke - They began bailing out a communication cable duct and then used a fire engine, followed by a petrol pump that they kept running for two weeks before giving up and decided that they couldn't pump out several miles of ducting and the surrounding countryside. Normally it was very hot and arid.
 

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